Shush! I am writing this very quietly for fear the enemy will hear me. I sit in my bunker, with my flame-proof asbestos suit on me, blinking through the smoke and waiting for the next salvo to be fired.
Yes full scale war has broken out Chez Moi; the Nuerotic Flatmate (AKA Ms NarkyKnickers) has decided to suspend diplomatic relations and upped the game from internecine warfare to open hostility. Apparently our failings as human beings and as flatmates have come home to roost and we have provoked her righteous anger. We are in fact, her axis of evil.
Our crime? We had a BBQ last Sunday while she was away, to enable both sides of our families to meet for the first time. We think planning a wedding might necessitate them getting to know each other: especailly as we are both individually very close to our respective clans. We let her know well in advance, we planned it so it would end before 11.30 and it wasn’t exactly a rave you understand – think tea, cakes and polite(ish)conversation.
We did however commit the unspeakable act of parking in our own driveway. Usually I don’t bother competing for driveway space; the tantrum when she comes home and finds that for one night in the year she hasn’t got the driveway is too wearying for me. Even with my car broken into once every couple of weeks, she refused to consider letting me have the parking space (and I was there before her/am the leaseholder!) But last Sunday Mr BB decided to park our car in the driveway until she came home to make room for the others to park. She arrived home, saw our car in the driveway and went mental. First she phoned me (I gave the phone to Mr BB as I am an utter coward!)
and started howling down the phone that she couldn’t park, where was she to park, move one of the cars, there was no room for her to park etc etc.
Ours is a corner house, there was room left for another three cars. What she of course meant was “Move your car out of the driveway now and let me park!” but being passive agressive she couldn’t bring herself to actually say outright what she wanted. So Mr BB took her literallym asked someone to move a car and my Future SIL* went out and moved her dad’s car. This prompted my flatmate to run into the house, slam the door, run upstairs and lock herself in the bathroom.
My lovely FFIL* went up to the loo a short time later and she stormed out of the room, looked him up and down and slammed into her own room, locking her door behind her.
Which really only resulted in both our families bonding over how much they disliked her, prompting my FBIL* and 14 year old niece to engage in a pantomime of running upstairs and banging on her door…..OK you probably had to be there but it cheered me up!
Since then she hasn’t spoken to us and pointedly leaves the room if we’re there. She has taken to guerilla warfare as well as open hostility – if ever Ireland gets invaded again we can recommend her as a tactician – and now sneaks down to remove our clothes from the dryer while still wet, or nicks the last roll of toilet paper and hides it in her room.
Normally this would reduce me to eyepopping annoyance. I cannot stand atmospheres in a house, and confrontations leave me a broken woman. But we have a little ace up our sleeves.
We found a perfect two bedroomed little house, nearer to the Old Folks and in a lovely area and we’re signing the lease on Saturday 1st September! Us, our offending car, our telly, our cutlery, bedding, towels, clothes and ornaments are moving in immediately and then we’ll just return to the old house to continue packing it up and cleaning it. I’ll miss my wonderful landlord, best I have ever had but other than that I am just so excited to move!She already knows we’re not renewing the lease and I warned her I would be removing my effects long before the end of September but I am not sure yet that she has worked out the following – we own the TV, we own the washing machine, we own the couches, we own the armchairs…
If there is any justice in the world someday in a few weeks time I’ll be able to describe her sitting on the floor of the living room, eating Pot Noodle with her fingers, staring at the empty space where the TV used to be (but her car will have the driveway all to itself 
)
Passive agressive? Moi?
PS *fbil/fsil (future brother/sister in law) ffil (future father in law)
